School holidays are almost over in Scotland. For most parents, that might be a welcome relief. For children, it will be a time of mixed emotions, particularly for those just starting in a new school, in a new place or entering into an important year for exams. Whatever the year ahead has in store for your children, from their perspective, the more united a front that you as parents present, the smoother the year will be.
Whatever your circumstances, here are some points to consider helping you manage the years ahead.
The Pick Ups and the Drop Offs
Be clear and consistent each day about who is responsible for pick up from and drop off at school. Use a calendar or a parenting app to help you if necessary. Some couples may have entered into a Minute of Agreement to record arrangements. It may even have been necessary as a last resort for a court order to be obtained for this purpose. Whatever your situation, keep to the arrangements. Children thrive on route and reliability. If there needs to be any change to the arrangements, give each other as much advance notice as possible to make sure alternative plans can be put in place. Let your children and, if necessary, the school know about any change to avoid confusion or surprise.
Parents Nights, Report Cards and School Events
We often hear from a parent that he or she is denied information from the other parent such as witholding report cards or important dates. While we encourage parents to share information and keep each other informed, assuming a parent has parental responsibilities and parental rights, the other parent can make direct contact with the school to request information. From a pastoral care perspective, it is helpful for the school to know if parents have separated as a child may experience changes in behaviour or performance because of problems at home.
Homework and After School Activities
Taking an active interest in homework and after school activities will help you to see how the children are performing and what activities they enjoy. It demonstrates to them that you are paying attention. Being able to talk freely with both of you about their activities and school work will cultivate openness. If they can see both of you speaking together or at least having an awareness of what is going on at school or at clubs, it will pay dividends. Children often find themselves reluctant to share what they did with the other parent for fear of upsetting the other parent. This can take a huge toll on a child. Finding common ground talking about schoolwork or activities, events that are central to your child’s live rather than their time with each of you, may make the prospect of talking about such times easier on them and easier on you too.
Who Pays for Uniform, Trips and Fees
A major bone of contention can be the financing of going to school. Payment of child maintenance will not cover it all. Paying for school uniform and shoes is expensive. School trips are important opportunities for children to try out new activities or visit new places and expand their horizons. The costs however may be beyond one parent. It is possible to incorporate into a minute of agreement provision for sharing cost of school uniform, activities and trips. If the child is at a independent school, it might be helpful to have it recorded in an Agreement who is paying the school fees and who is responsible for additional costs. The clearer your record, the less scope for argument and resentment.
Consistent Routine in Both Homes
We often hear of one parent being described as the “fun parent” while the other feels like the burden of discipline and routine is all on them. Whether co-parenting or not, consistency of approach will help your child enormously. This might range from what they eat, bedtime routine, doing homework and the more recent phenomenon of screentime. If there is a joined-up approach, children will be less likely to challenge your routine as it is not so different from each other.
Your Child Is Not Your Messenger
Children don’t ask to be caught in the middle. They become anxious if expected to relay messages between you both. If this is habitual and you fail to communicate directly, the emotional burden it places on your child is enormous. Make every effort to find a way to manage your communications with each other to be fairer to your child.
What Can Help?
We get it. Some of us are parents and while it is the most rewarding job in the world, it can be, in equal measure, the most stressful. Managing it as a separated parent adds a whole new layer of complexity. The rub is that while your personal relationship has ended as adults, you are both forever a part of your children’s lives. The better equipped you are to communicate positively and with civility towards each other, the better experience that is for you as an adult but most importantly for your children.
Solicitors can assist with negotiation of agreements that refer to contact arrangements and financial matters. We are regularly instructed to negotiate and draft such documents. An increasingly popular option is also to work with a parenting app to minimise direct contact if necessary or just simply use that as a convenient calendar and diary system.
As a future focussed process, family mediation is ideally suited to helpful families recognise and acknowledge the common ground you have and work on finding solutions to the sticking points that there might be. You are both in charge of that outcome, not a third party like a court. We also have experienced accredited family law mediators in our team who would be happy to assist.
