Relationship breakdowns are traumatic for everyone involved – couples, children, extended family and friends. The emotional toll can be devastating with feelings of anger, hurt, loss and confusion often lingering for years. So, why do we ask that you remain civil?
Civility matters hugely in family law and here are some reasons why.
Children
While your relationship may have ended, you will forever be the parents of your children and your lives inextricably linked.
Children inevitably will be impacted by parental separation – change to routine, change of home and familiar surrounds, change to how often they see each of you. Standing in their shoes, this is enormous. If on top of this they witness mum and dad shouting at each other, are expected to relay communications between the adults and are drawn into either parent’s war against the other, this clearly is an unhealthy environment to place a child. Q
We all want our children to thrive in life. To give them the best opportunity to do so, let them see that you can communicate respectfully and civilly with each other. You may remain friends and on good terms so this may be straightforward for you. If not, find ways to manage the communication. This might include the following:
• Use parenting apps or email, phone or text.
• You may arrange for pick up and drop off to coincide with the end of and the start of the school day.
• A trusted third party assists such as a family member or you rely on the contact centre staff to assist with handover pre and post contact with the other parent .
Wider Family
We often hear from grandparents, wanting to know about their rights to see and remain involved in the lives of their grandchildren. While grandparents do not have any automatic rights, they may apply to the court to acquire rights, more usually the right to have contact with a child which a court may grant if it is considered to be in the child’s best interests. Step back from that brink. Court action must always be viewed as a last resort scenario.
Grandparents may have played a very important role in a child’s life. They may have helped with childcare arrangements to enable parents to continue to work. They may have helped with pick up and drop off from school. The simple things like day trips, family dinners, sharing their time, interests and skills form valuable connections and memories for children. To have that wrenched away may be as equally heartbreaking for the children. If grandparents can see that you recognise that they matter to the children and their input is valued, your relationship with them, whilst forever changed, will be on surer footing which must be in the best interests of any children.
Disclosing Finances
A full and frank disclosure is expected when dealing with financial issues such as establishing what is matrimonial property. If maintenance is an issue, again a full and frank disclosure of all sources of income and outgoings is expected to be made. What does this have to do with civility – everything. Building trust and openness will make for easier negotiations. This in turn helps to manage expectations and cost. If you are resistant to sharing information, this suggests you may be hiding something. It can make for protracted correspondence between solicitors. Worse still, it may lead to court action to force disclosure of information. Think of the cost and time this adds to an already difficult experience.
What Might Help?
Speaking with a counsellor, therapist or coach might help you to work through the emotional enormity of relationship breakdown. You may not be at the same stage as each other in this process. You may be acutely aware that it is impacting on the children but you don’t know how to manage your emotions never mind theirs. Speak with someone trained to help at these pivotal moments in life. As solicitors we offer a listening ear but we are trained to provide legal advice and cannot give therapeutic guidance or advice. It is not at all unusual and may indeed be helpful to have a number of professionals to work with, not just a lawyer.
Mediation as a method of dispute resolution helps you to recognise where you have common ground with each other and facilitate discussion on areas of conflict. The mediator is neutral and impartial. Their job is to help you to find ways to reach an outcome that is both future focussed and based on decisions you have both taken yourselves, not have imposed upon you by a third party such as a court. Being civil and respectful towards each other is expected in mediation. We have a number of solicitors in our team accredited by the Law Society of Scotland as family mediators.
